it IS sprting cleaning
I got springed
and cleaned

it was fun to play in the water
he put me in a tub that is
it is a blig blue tub
that is MY TUB
well I dont see anyone else using it

ANd now I look poisitively svelte
whatkind of word is svelte
it looks wrong
you just mash keys on thekeyboard thats how you get that word
I could do it with my eyes closd
svlet
how did I Do

by the By
whats lavedner and why do theys ay I smell like it
I smell like me but without the dust fromunder the bed
time to goet more dust
- posted by Abbie @ 10:52 PM 10 comments

 
I took a poll recently
whiche was best
breakfast
lunch
dinner
(or supper if you say that)

I knew the poll would not pick lunch to win
it is not that we do not give this meal respect
it is ujust that lunch is not very INspiring when it comes to eating
there is your sandwich
eat it
if you don't then I will eat it
but look
I am not enjoying it as much as I cCOuld be

breakfast on the other hand is great
it is the greateast of all possible meals
now dont you think that it is only for the morning
you can have breafkfast after you have woken up
at any time of day
if it was only for the morning then we awoudl call it MOrning somehting
I dont know what we could call it
since we dont call it that

but you are breaking
and you are dOing it fast
so that is the meal name

the best part of breakfast is the bacon
people who eat becon like it
around here there is a rule you see
oh this bacon was cooked too crispy someone says
i will instead give it to the cat cmere cat
as a resulte I have become quite fond of crsipy bacon
the crispyer the better
now ehere is a secret you will not be Told by anyone else
baconc gets crispy if you cook it for long
so I watned to make sure the bacon would be perfect for the cat
so when it was cooking
there were diversions
oh cat theys aid
get down from there
abbie stop doing that you are going carazy and it isnt even crazy time
abbie quit singing youll have some bacon soon enough

now this is my crowning achievement
look at that
the bacon has been cooked too long and now all of it is cripsy
what do we do
give it to the cat says I
that is the rules

oh well someone says
we can crumble it up and putit in the omelets
waste not want what not

WHAT



here is a happy Endign
we better be sure to save a piece for the cat they say
so there was bacon in the omelets
and bacon in the cat
and that is my story for ytoday

for recirpes please go to a recipe site
there you will leran how to cook bacons
- posted by Abbie @ 2:01 PM 12 comments

 
ONCe upon time there was a bvery smar tman
he didnt live here
and he said the folowing about dinner

he said
some people have meat but they canot eat it
I am guesing he meant vegerterins here
I knew one and she was very kind to me
mostly because I never pestered her for food
much

someetimes tofu can be good to eat

he also said
some peoplw oudl eat food if only they had it
that sounds like me to a T
where is food
there is a cat
the food isnt there for much longer

then he said
but We have meat and we can also eat it

this is the best of both worlds

and he agreed because then he said
and we should be very vthankful for it

I Was tjust thinking abotu this earlier when I had my supper
it is all very true
if you have your food and can eat it
like you have teeth
then be thankful and say it a lot

there is cooking in the kitchen
I amgoing to find more reasons to be thankful
- posted by Abbie @ 4:00 PM 3 comments

 
NOw that there is a moment I can tell you about a handy hint for watching TV
everybody loves to watch telvision
but sometimes when you are wathcing and you really like it
SOmeone changes the channel
but wait I was watcing that and it was JUst getting interesting

so the next time that happens to you here is what you do
I mean you have to do this Before it happens to you
outherwise it just doesnt quite work

SO there you are on the couch (ps you are a cat)
and you are watching television happily
and then the announcer comes on and says next up we will show you how bottlecaps are made
and you think Well this will be very intriguing
I have always wanted to know this
but then someone on the couch says "time to change the cahnnel"
NO IT IS NOT
here is what you do

you go to sleep
right on their lap or on their legs or howveer they are sitting
SLEEP ON THEM
and be sure to look extra comfortable and happy
EVen if it is not quite the most comfortable place ever
one time I fell asleep on a shoe
I do not recomend it unless you like shoes
anyway now you are happy and alseep
and they will say wait I cant get up to change the channel because the cat is so happy and peaceful I do not want to disturb it
wait I will use the remote
oh
IU forgot to mention
before you do allthis
be sure to hide the remote

well now
if you have done everything then you can enjoy what you want to watch
just kind of move your head towars the television set
and watch through your eyes
dont forget you have to pretend you are still asleep
but if you have come this far then that is easy as pie

there is something SMall on the table
I am going to go knock it off
bye
- posted by Abbie @ 11:48 PM 4 comments

 
I was at home
I was napping upstairs and the guy was napping so there was a nap
then I got up and said Im hungry and went downstairs

downstairs theother guy was doing something in the living room
he is what you would calla Troubleamaker
he somestimes says hello abbie you are a cat
and I say yes and hes ays oh good just reminding you of your place in the world
gee thanks for that reminder

he ahs also puled stunts like this
hello abbie he says come over here
okay says I this is fun
then he says I am going to put water onyour head
contrararty to what other cats think, I dont mind water all that muhc
in the summertime theres nothing better to keep you cool
if you have long hair and you dont want to shave it all off
because then you woould look like a FOol
the girl was tehre too, she was fully involved in this i want the record to show
then he ocmbs me when my hair si well and duly wet
and says there, Now you have a mohawk
I am not as thirlled as all that with these turns of events
then the guy comesdown stairs and says hey who gave the cat a wethead
dont look at me, try those poeple over there who cant stop giggling
meanwhile I am goign to go over and search the trashcans to find my dignity
it might be hinidg in there
and food

so there he was troublemaker sam (taht is not his real name)
and he had a camera looking out the window
at squirrels
there is a window out there
and on the other side is a bowl
and in the bowl you put in things you think squirels would like to eat
and then they come by and you Obnserve them
it is very convenient you see

looka t that i say he is making the squirrel show, everybody watch thesquirel show
i cant see the squirrel
move the camera
I Want to see the squirrel

eventualy I decided that the squirrel show has been cacenceld, it had bad ratings, because only one camera was wathching it and no cats were
so I stepped in to help and the squirrel show becames the ABbie show
starring ABbie
heres the theme
it's the abbbie show, the abbie show
everybody wants to watch the abbie show
(the Insturments go crazy here with lots of music)
there'll be ME abbie here and maybe I will do stuff
or just eat and fall asleep
only on the ab
bie
shoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow

todays episode of the abbie show is Abbie watches squirels
it is called THe ONe where Abbie watches the squirrels
and you can see it here
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CEcpIwf2-mY

critics have called the makers of the abbie SHow to task for putting telvevision personaility over storylines
and they say the abbie hsow is very little on plot
pah i say in response this is an atmospheric show if you want a story go over and watch the story show
here on this show things are simple
there are squirrels
ME abbie watches squirrels
then I go do something else
thats a good enough story for me today
- posted by Abbie @ 10:15 AM 13 comments

 
well ther ewas GReat excitement yesterday
I had wona amajor award or something
they said Hey abbie you are officialy the Sassiest cat of the year
in this house at least
and therefor you will get a nice Helping of tuna fish right here inyour bowl

hurray says I for it is always a good day when that happens
and whatdyou know but there was asome fish in my bowl
I ate it very quickly
it is a rule you know
eat as fast as ye can the rule says
for all you know it could turn out to be an illusion
LIke in the desert

so ten seconds later the tuna was gone
well not rteally gone
I knew where it was

and everything was Fine

but there is another rule that I forgot
it says But Dont eat so FAST or else Urp
and thats what happened
Urp
there was no more tuna in the bowl
but there was tuna on the floor

I looked at it
and i Looked around
nobody had seen it happen
so I had a little CHeck
it was tasty the first time
and it was tasty the second time
so lets dig in

Well you never heard such a hue and cry in your life
hey Abbie what are you doing
oh for gods sake cat
someone disttract him while I get the paper towels
use the shiny thing

anywya they took away my Major award
and I a m rightly miffed
they gave it to tme
it was MIne
and I should be able to Do with it as I please
- posted by Abbie @ 7:13 AM 7 comments

 
WEll well WELL
ANda gain I say WELL
let me tell YOu a story
I mean it its a real story all right
it all has to do with bloger
and I am not very pleased with them at this time and date

I have been sitting here tfor days on end
trying to put in my name and pasoword
and the internet mocks me
"forgot you r password?" it says
in BLue
so naturaly I remember my passowrd so I type NO I KNOW IT
and it says "forgot your password?"
and I type in NO ID DIDNT FORGET YOU ARE JUST MAKING ME LOSE MY CONCENTRATION
and then it says "forgot your password?"again
blue and under lined

I didnt forget it
I had remembered it all along
but I think the computer wants me to play
its little game
so I type in YES OKAY MAY BE I DID FORGET IT WHATARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT HUH
and it says "forgot your password?"
and I say a very bad word out loud
hush you didnt hear it

at this point naturaly I am very veyr cross
and I hit any old button
I hit them all
had a grand old time too

and then the web says "if you have forgoten your password we will Send it to tyou"
and I say hurray for science
I still dont know which button did it
so there is taht and the computer whirrs and then it goes
"okay we sent your pasowrd to this email addess"
so I go to that email adress
and wouldnt you know it
I FORGOT THAT PASSWORD TOO
you can see I am anoyed because of all the capital letters

then along came a very smart
bug
ok maybe it wasnt a bug maybe it was someone
and they said oh abbie you are useing the wrong internet button
here try this one here
it is another button on the screen click that one not this one
so I put my user and pasword into the new button

and lo and behold
the computer turns into mr nice guy
oh waelcome back to the wornderful world of the blogging it says
can I get you anything it asks perhaps a drink of water or a nice piece of fish
i shall sound the trumptets and lead the parade
pshaw i say You are a Bad computer and took up all this time annoying me
oh no it says that was the other internet button I am the good one

I guess

anyway I have a new collar and nametag
it says ME ABBIE on it
so I know it's me
other than that I Forgot what I was going tosay
- posted by Abbie @ 10:51 PM 19 comments

 
Hey there,

I've got great news to report; Abbie is back home safe where he belongs and slightly no worse for the wear. A neighbor saw our flyers and called when she spotted "definitely a large" tuxedo cat in her backyard chasing a squirrel; she was pretty sure the cat had spent at least one night in her garage as well. I wasn't home from work at the time but my housemate Tracy was, and dashed out to find Abbie already on the move towards another neighbor's house. Though he appeared to be Very Wary of everyone and everything, Abbie eventually recognized Tracy and allowed himself to be picked up and escorted back inside where he should have been all along.

The first thing he did when he got in was run to where his food dish should've been (it was in the back room serving as bait for the House Trap) and complained loudly. This was pretty much the first indicator that he was going to be all right. After wolfing down a great deal of wet food he went around looking for me -- checking my room, my office chair, all over. When I finally did get home he ran right up and started telling me all about things while I picked him up and gave him a big hug (and checked for injuries and whatnot at the same time.) Since then he's hardly left my side while I'm home, and has decided that lap-sitting is a really great thing, especially when the lap belongs to someone hard at work. (He's a dear but it's sometimes hard to type around him.)

He'd lost about 5 pounds in his week-plus outdoors, but has quickly begun to regain that. He had no scars or wounds that I could find, and he wasn't limping or favoring a paw. I took him to the vet to get him checked out. He came out of it with all his shots up-to-date and his claws clipped; he threw a fit when the vet tried to look at his teeth so we wisely decided to leave the microchipping (which involves a larger needle than the vaccinations) for a dental appointment, when he goes under and won't be in any position to complain.

I am extremely grateful for all the help I received from my housemates, friends, online acquaintances, and random strangers both local and far away. I had the flu during a major part of Abbie's absence, and Tracy spearheaded the operation quite ably, getting folks out to flyer and search the neighborhood any time I got a call from someone who thought they'd seen a huge black-and-white monstrosity terrorizing squirrels. People searched for Abbie in other time zones just to check. It was quite inspiring, and I'd like to thank everybody who did anything to help, even if it was just thinking a kind thought for the cat while he was out having his outdoor adventure (and worrying me sick). This fellow really does have a posse.

I'm sure he'll be around sooner or later to tell you his side of things, but if he starts bragging about how he bravely marched to fight the neighborhood dogs or something, you might want to take it with a grain of salt.



Rob
- posted by Abbie @ 12:44 AM 50 comments

 
Hi there. Might as well take a moment to introduce myself: Hi, I'm Rob. The Guy. The one who gives Abbie the access to the computer and lets him bang on the keys whenever he feels like it. When we started this blog seven years ago I made it a point not to actually post to it myself; I wanted to let Abbie do the talking. Sometimes, though, Abbie couldn't be around, so his sister Martha was able to write in his place. Unfortunately Martha's no longer with us, and we have no other animals in this house, so I figured I would be the one to step up and say what needs to be said. I always knew I'd have to break the fourth wall one day, but at least the reason why I thought I'd have to isn't the reason why I'm posting right now.

The reason I'm posting right now is because Abbie the Cat has gone missing.

This isn't a story, and it isn't a setup for me to start talking about pirates; it's for real. I last saw him Sunday morning, February 3, as I was getting ready to go to work. When I came back home, he didn't immediately run to greet me (and he often does; he's very dog-like in that fashion) but I saw nothing wrong there. Sometimes when I come home he's asleep upstairs or on the papasan or in the kitchen trying to wheedle some food out of one of my housemates.

I still hadn't seen him when I went to bed, but I still thought he was probably downstairs on the papasan or in the TV room or wherever else he likes to curl up. The next morning, however, he didn't greet me as he usually does. Let me tell you a bit about Abbie that he may not admit to: he's a small dog in cat form. He follows me around the house when I'm home, he does the running-to-greet-me thing, and he plays a mean game of fetch when he's up to it.

He also is extremely given to ritual. You may know what it's like to have a Ritual. Abbie sleeps by my feet at night, wakes up when I do, stands outside the bathroom door while I get ready for work, and demands to be let in as soon as he hears the shower stop. So as to not wake the housemates I usually concede to his demands and let him into the bathroom, whereupon he strides in, makes sure everything is where it should be, and then struts out. Total elapsed time of inspection: 30 seconds. He then accompanies me back to the bedroom where he either plops his furry butt down right where I need to be, or else he sits on the good pair of pants I'd laid out on the bed for that morning. He follows me downstairs as I get ready to go, and I make sure his bowls are full and he wanders off somewhere as soon as I head for the door.

He wasn't around on Monday morning. At that point I knew something was up. Before I left for work I checked all the closed doors that Abbie may have inadvertently found himself behind: our back staircase, the downstairs bathroom, the hall closet, but he was nowhere to be seen. I got worried that he may have gotten out the door when someone left it open briefly; he's strictly indoors but occasionally gets a bit of wanderlust. I checked under our porches, in our bushes, out in the backyard, in the unused garage (whoa, a lotta junk there) and around the area. He was nowhere to be seen but one of the orange tabby Fagin cats was hanging around, and didn't like my presence one bit.

My housemates and I scoured the house later on to see if he'd found some new and crazy place to hide. We couldn't find him. At this point I made notices online to friends and locals, and have been rewarded thus far with several people who've had sightings. We've printed out fliers by the score and have posted them all around, especially where people have said they've seen a very big tuxedo cat. (Coincidentally enough, there's another missing fat tuxedo cat on the other side of town. That cat is named Phil.)

I've been speaking with local vets, our city's animal control department, anybody I can think of who may have stray cats brought in to them. So far nothing's turned up, but with the news of Fat Tuxedo Cat sightings, my housemate (who's made up a Dragnet-style map with "pushpins" regarding sightings, flier locations, and streets we've searched) we think we know where he may be lurking about. Indoor cats who escape often are bewildered and frightened by the outside world and, especially if they are not good at confrontation with strange cats (such as, say, that orange tabby bully in my backyard) will find a place to hide completely. It's very likely Abbie is quite close to home, but in hiding. However, given the reports we've gotten from around the area, he is at least out and about during the daytime -- sitting on a porch, meeting people on sidewalks, making friends as he always does. (He is very friendly and relaxed around people, which is good.) So it's also likely someone may have taken him in as a stray. It's clear that he's well-fed, however, so I am sure whoever knows cats will know he's somebody's.

Abbie is not collared, tagged, or microchipped. This presents a problem, and a lesson hard learned. I'd say "don't make the same mistake I done did" but I don't wish to lecture you. I do know that once he's recovered, he's going to have positive identification wherever he goes. (Of course, the first challenge will come in making him wear him a collar; if a 20-pound cat doesn't want to do something he won't do it.) We can't leave food out on the porch for him to find as the Fagin cats will come and steal it all, but I have left some of my clothes out on the porch; clothes he likes to sleep on. Hopefully his nose will help. I've also been walking up and down our nearby streets jingling my house keys in my hand, as it's a sound he knows very well.

So.

If you live in or around the Davis Square neighborhood of Somerville, Mass, or you know someone who does, please keep an eye out for the humongous black-and-white cat with the large paws and big bright eyes. If you spot him, please let me know; you can write to abbie@spatch.net or comment to this entry. If you take him in or you know someone who took a stray tuxedo cat in, please let me know. He's a wonderful cat, but I think you already knew that. He's been a part of my life for nearly eleven years now. I miss my buddy terribly and I want him back; I want him back and warm and full of food and comfortable again.




Rob
- posted by Abbie @ 8:41 PM 46 comments

 
WEll there is finlaly snow here on the ground
and you know what that means
that means it is the time of year where we have holidays
The pourpose of the holidays is to celebrate
celebrat what you may ask
the answer is SImple
you celebrate snow

NOw at htis point I should like to tell you about a cousin of mine
who invented holidays
and I should also point out that when I say cousin I mean it
even though I never met the fellow FOr he lived a long time ago
but all cats are related you see
big small tall gray or with no tails
all cats are members of the same famly

execpt the saber toothtigers
we had to kick them out of the family
they were the black sheep of the family you you see
If by mblack you mean balck and orange striped
adn by sheep you mean cats with fangs where their teeth should be
they were no good
and if you read your history you know full well They came to a Bad END
thats all I am going ot say about THEM
hum

so it cameto pass that I had a cousin and his name was Restauarnt Joe
now you may think that is an odd name for a cat
well it is
bnut I'm not making this stuff up here
Restaurant JOe was a great cat and everybody liked him
becuase if you were hungry and wanted food you knew right where to go
you went to REstuarnt Joe
and he would say Well hello come on in sit on down lets get this meal started
and before you know it you had eaten your fill
and it was really good food too
so good you burped
that pleased restaurant joe and hed say come back again real soon
and be sure to bring your appetites

you can probably tell that REstuarnant Joe was not a regular kind of cat
well he wasnt
for one who ever heard of a cat giving away food
seriously that is just un heard of
and thats what everybody thought too
cause they said hey reastaurant Joe
How come you're giving away all this food
and he srhugged and licked his paw and dragged it over his head
and he said cause thats just the way I am baby

I did not jst make up the part where he said baby
I told you he was cool

but stil everybody was skeptical as well they should be
they said hey rest. joe
(I am ssaying rest. joe from now on because I am sick of typing resturant joe)
they said hey rest. joe surely you must want SOmething for giving away all this food
and rest. joe said no not really
and they said surely there is someing you would like in exchange
and he said not really
and they said surely again
and he said well okay There is something I like
and they said what is it you like
and he said Socks

so everybody said okay when we come voer to visit and eat your delicioius food we are going to Give you socks
he said oh no my house is too small
just one sock will do

and even then he continued
MAybe you could only do that once a year
I only have four paws and I Dont need all that many socks
and I may be restaurnt joe but Im not laundromat joe okay

fine said the people after sighing
we wil only bring one sock once a year
and restaurant joe said Im also very particular about my socks
I dont want argyle or blue
so howzabout you just put the socks up somewhere I can see them
and if I like one I will take one
okay said everybody lets go put our socks up by the fireplace
cats like fireplaces

so once a year when the snow came down all the people would put their socks up by the fireplace
and they put candls in their windows and color lights outside so that Restuarnt Joe would know where to look
and fake deer that werent made out of deer they were made out of lights
I dont know how they did that

and every year restaurnt joe would visit and look over the socks
but I dont think I ever heard of him acutally taking one
maybe he didnt really need the socks and just told people that
so they'd stop pestering him with stupid questions
sometimes he would put stuff in the socsks
what a surprise that would be
you putyour foot in and oh hello an orange
what

the first time they did this everybody was happy
they all got food and restaurnt joe got his socks
even though he didn't take any
and it all worked out
gee this was great said restaurant joe
it's a real holiday
yeah said everybody else
even though resaurant joe just made the word holiday up
you dont question words people just made up
who are you to say thats wrong
it wasnt YOUR idea

so thats the story of how my cousin restaurant joe invented holidays
ask any cat its true


by the way sclelebrating snow is very easy to do
its lots of fun and you can do it inside
thats why it's fun
you dont actually ahve to go out in it
- posted by Abbie @ 3:28 PM 10 comments